Enough!

Today my meditation focused on finding the root of my insecurities. Why am i always afraid to trust? Why do i always think the worst? Why do i panic?

I stretched back into my memory to the time I can first remember feeling betrayed. My first memory was of that time my dad told me he would take me football but never came back for me. Then I further thought about when I was 4 and the neighbors said they will take me to cinema with them and they forgot me. That feeling of distrust, the feeling that i am not worth someone's time or attention. They seem like simple issues but some how they are stained in my hurt chamber, even after all these years.

Then my mind drifted on the first time i got cheated on. I was 17 and in form 6. I remember that feeling that I was not good enough. He eventually stayed with the other girl and I kept wondering why her? What did i do wrong? Was it because i did not want to have sex with him? But then why was i not enough to wait on? For some reason i always felt like i was the problem everytime someone cheated. Why am i never good enough to make someone want to just be with me.

I know that monogamy isnt natural but i can make the choice to be monogamous for someone but why cant they for me. I guess it has become so ingrained in me that maybe I'm never that good enough i anticipate getting left. Sometimes i sabotage it, sometimes i provoke it or sometimes i pick that person known to do it.

Why do i believe that I am not enough whilst thinking the perpetrator is a good person i turned bad? Why am i so hard on myself?

I need to remind myself everyday that I am enough. Everyday give everything my best shot. Stay focused on the good things. Be the best me. If that is not enough for someone then they are not that someone. Trust in myself. Trust in my abilities. I am not perfect, I will never be perfect but i will be the perfect me. I will be enough for ME!