Battling Anxiety in Uncontrolled Uncertainty

Battling general anxiety is a daunting task on its own. Imagine battling it when faced with uncertainty. A situation in which you have absolutely no control, no say. You are locked into a closet with no food or water, no window, no company. Your only option is waiting for that person to unlock the door. No knowledge of when that can occur, no time structure to plan for your escape. You are pushed into a waiting game.

It is suffocating!

Anxiety is a lonely battle. Finding someone who understands your mind is rare. This is not someone who tells you that you should just relax, it is the person who knows that you cannot relax. That knows how to reach into that tornado of your mind and stretch out all the possible analytical theories it generated. Not everyone can find that human being, and if you are fortunate to, you battle being afraid of losing them because it can be such a burden.

So imagine this situation where you have endless scenarios to analyse. It is like falling into a dark endless pit that you don't know what awaits you at the base. Is it spikes like in the Mortal Kombat video game or is it sunflowers (not too fond of roses or daisies). Who knows? When you do not know, then what do we do?

The tears of frustration are blocked by your indecision to let them flow. Your heart races till it skips beats as though you are running a race and trips over a few pebbles. The wave of despair washes over your body and you feel like a fish out of water.

Frustrated when alone because of the thoughts but lost when among people.

The task is to save yourself from drowning in uncertainty, without aggravating the predator. Find your route to peace through the darkness. The objective is to find your certainty. Focus your mind on one result. One outcome. One thought. Hopefully you can find focus on the healthiest. Fight the opposing thoughts. Remind yourself that you are strong.

Separate yourself from the situation totally. Find your peace in another activity. Read, find a new hobby. Focus your mind away from everything you do not know and on to everything that you do. No one says it will be easy. It will be a fight, but imagine the feeling of jubilation when you do win that battle. The progress you would have made in your battle against your anxiety. The fight is worth it!

Enough!

Today my meditation focused on finding the root of my insecurities. Why am i always afraid to trust? Why do i always think the worst? Why do i panic?

I stretched back into my memory to the time I can first remember feeling betrayed. My first memory was of that time my dad told me he would take me football but never came back for me. Then I further thought about when I was 4 and the neighbors said they will take me to cinema with them and they forgot me. That feeling of distrust, the feeling that i am not worth someone's time or attention. They seem like simple issues but some how they are stained in my hurt chamber, even after all these years.

Then my mind drifted on the first time i got cheated on. I was 17 and in form 6. I remember that feeling that I was not good enough. He eventually stayed with the other girl and I kept wondering why her? What did i do wrong? Was it because i did not want to have sex with him? But then why was i not enough to wait on? For some reason i always felt like i was the problem everytime someone cheated. Why am i never good enough to make someone want to just be with me.

I know that monogamy isnt natural but i can make the choice to be monogamous for someone but why cant they for me. I guess it has become so ingrained in me that maybe I'm never that good enough i anticipate getting left. Sometimes i sabotage it, sometimes i provoke it or sometimes i pick that person known to do it.

Why do i believe that I am not enough whilst thinking the perpetrator is a good person i turned bad? Why am i so hard on myself?

I need to remind myself everyday that I am enough. Everyday give everything my best shot. Stay focused on the good things. Be the best me. If that is not enough for someone then they are not that someone. Trust in myself. Trust in my abilities. I am not perfect, I will never be perfect but i will be the perfect me. I will be enough for ME!

To the Internet Realm,

Henceforth you will be my medium of expression. My avenue to vent about what transpires in my life. My lack of followers will allow me the freedom to express myself.

For long I accepted that society ignores the rants of logical and critical minds. When they do hear, we are usually at some junction of crisis and need a way out. The sheep like mentality of humanity has limited the spectrum of thought. The obstacle doesn't just stop at the lack of critical thinking but the fervent opposition to anything outside of the 'norm'.

Growing up I always felt distanced from everyone's opinions. I grew up in church but always felt like something was missing. I was taught to believe in this community's God and not to question faith. FAITH- the best weapon for brainwashing (we will get into that another time). I went along with the ride, not that I had much choice living in my mother's house. I was active in church, I taught classes, sang in the choir, youth group, prayer group...you get the point, but every time they said I should be feeling the spirit, I felt like I was forcing a feeling that just was not there. I liked the songs though, so I enjoyed celebrating the idea of love for people and self. My body was a part of religion but my heart lacked enthusiasm. 

I started reasoning out 'my' faith gradually. It started with believing in one God who was depicted differently by differing cultures but fundamentally they were all the same. I saw all religions as equal but different. Then I went into questioning why I believed what I did. 

• I am mixed, so then why am I following the white man's religion? Is it even fair on my ancestors that I follow a religion that was beaten into them?
•  Why do I follow a book that was written by men and structured by men who are just as common as I am? 
• Why do I believe in a religion that says my God has chosen people, which I am not? Who chose me then? 
• Why should I fear someone who should be a beacon of love? 
• Why is my sole purpose in life to worship this being? Was I created to boost this beings ego?

And the questions continued.....My questioning will never cease and since the beginning I began questioning everything that was presented to me. EVERYTHING!! I found reasoning in them but many I refuse to accept. As time goes by I will touch on things like gender, sexuality, politics etc.

This blog will focus on my interactions with society. The issues I believe face us and perhaps ideas on how we can fix it. However I am becoming a firm believer that human beings will never succeed in world peace unless we transition into robots but I feel we will fuck that up somehow too.

Stay tuned for more of my rantings...